Caring for Aging Parents When the Past Still Stings

by Dominic Gadoury, LMSW

Few things test our emotional endurance like helping aging parents—especially when those same parents once helped shape our deepest wounds. It’s the paradox of caregiving: trying to offer compassion to people who may have struggled to offer it to us.

Whether you’re navigating medical appointments, finances, or daily check-ins, the task often comes with ghosts. So how do you protect your mental health while showing up (at least somewhat) for your parents?

1. Acknowledge That Two Realities Can Exist

You can love your parents and still carry pain from your relationship with them. These truths don’t cancel each other out—they coexist. The mature stance is not to erase one, but to hold both with honesty.

If guilt creeps in (“They did their best…”), remind yourself that compassion doesn’t mean amnesia. You can tend to their needs without rewriting your history.

2. Redefine What “Good Enough” Care Looks Like

Caregiving culture loves martyrdom. But overextending yourself out of obligation often leads to resentment—a toxic fuel source.
Instead, ask: What level of involvement keeps me caring without collapsing?

Maybe it’s weekly calls instead of daily ones. Maybe it’s hiring outside help. You’re not a “bad child” for having limits. You’re a human one.

3. Build an Emotional Support Infrastructure

Helping your parents might reopen emotional wounds you thought were scar tissue.
Don’t white-knuckle through it—assemble your crew. This might include:

  • A therapist (especially one familiar with family-of-origin work)

  • Friends who “get it” and can listen without judgment

  • Online or in-person caregiver support groups

  • Boundaries that actually hold, not just exist in theory

Think of this as emotional scaffolding—it holds you up while you’re doing hard renovation work.

4. Don’t Confuse Duty with Redemption

Many adult children unconsciously try to “earn” their parents’ love by over-caring. But no amount of devotion now can rewrite a painful childhood. That’s not your job.

Your job is to show up with integrity today—not to retroactively fix yesterday.

5. Expect Grief to Be a Frequent Visitor

There’s the obvious grief (watching a parent decline), but also ambiguous loss: mourning the relationship you wish you’d had.
You may find yourself angry, then tender, then numb—all in one afternoon. That’s not instability; that’s processing.
Naming the grief gives it form. Feeling it gives it somewhere to go.

6. Give Yourself Permission to Step Back

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for everyone involved is to pause, delegate, or say “I can’t right now.”
Boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re a form of caregiving too. They keep love sustainable.

7. Remember: Healing Doesn’t Always Happen in Reunion

Hollywood loves a final bedside reconciliation scene. Real life often gives us smaller moments—shared laughter over coffee, a rare “thank you,” or even the peace of acceptance without resolution.
Healing doesn’t always require harmony. Sometimes it’s simply not being torn apart anymore.

Final Thought

Supporting aging parents with complicated histories is a high-wire act between compassion and self-preservation.
You can offer care without sacrificing your sanity. You can choose empathy without surrendering your boundaries.
And you can keep growing—even if your parents never do.

If you are interested in a meditation for dealing with aging parents, you can find one for free HERE.